The Et Cetera Post

Last week General Motors announced that it will be cutting back on the number of SUVs it produces. This move comes in an effort to appeal to a public that has suddenly become interested in fuel efficiency. As part of this plan, GM intends to sell-off the macho Hummer brand. Word is, the price will be quite attractive.

At first glance, trying to sell more fuel efficient cars may look like a good idea, but when it comes to Hummer GM may want to look again. Let’s consider who it is that does and does not buy Hummers in my completely unresearched demographic analysis.

Not convinced? Let’s look at these groups more carefully.

• Tree-huggers
• Bums and Hobos
• People with a small garage

Does buy Hummers:

• Gang-bangers
• Military and Radical Citizen Militia Groups
• Men with a small package

As I mentioned, GM is ditching Hummer because it wants to appeal to people worried about the high cost of gas. Looking at the two categories presented above, it is plain to see that such people all fall under the first list. Thus, people who in the past did not buy Hummers will continue not buying Hummers. People who have historically made good potential Hummer customers, will continue to make good potential Hummer customers.

Let’s look closer. Tree-huggers don’t like Hummers because they are super cool (Hummers that is). Tree-huggers don’t want to drive vehicles that are cool. They either ride their bikes or an old Volvo station wagon with a bunch of bumper stickers on it. Bums and Hobos don’t buy Hummers. This is a fact I assume to be true. People with a small garage don’t buy Hummers either due to lack of storage volume.

This brings us to those who do buy Hummers. Gang-bangers buy Hummers for the same reason that tree-huggers don’t: they’re cool (Hummers that is). For gang-bangers, having a sweet ride is important no matter the cost. The military has a need for Hummers, especially in this time of war. They will continue buying them for as long as the war continues. This could be 100 years according to John McCain. Similarly, Radical Militia Groups will buy Hummers because they have to keep pace with the Military (against which they will have to fight when the government comes to take away their guns). Finally, unless there is an inverse relationship between fuel prices and the prevalence of small-packaged men, men with a small packages will still be around to buy Hummers.

In conclusion, the sale of the Hummer brand by GM is a big mistake. While the demand for larger SUVs may be shrinking, the Hummer’s appeal will remain strong. This means that whoever ends up taking advantage of the bargain price for the Hummer brand will have particularly keen business sense, and most likely, a particularly small package.